Intimacy After Extended Illness
Jackie has over 20 years of experience in the field of sexual wellness. With the combination of advanced training in psychology and the goals-oriented insight of an expert coach, she brings a unique skill set that is quite rare in the field.
Jackie has been married to her partner for over 25 years and is a mother to two children (one with significant disabilities and medical conditions). She has valuable personal experience in the ways stress, burn-out, and trauma can impact the ability to have a fulfilling love life.
Great intimacy begins and exists only with great self-intimacy. While your medical doctors may have gotten you through the hurdles of treatment, there is often very little done to address the physical, mental and emotional changes that can happen as a result.
Even if you received great care, you have experienced trauma. Your body has shifted from your well-known and somewhat predictable vessel, and now holds a multitude of new sensations, experiences, and feelings. You may even find it uncomfortable to begin reconnecting with your body. That is a reasonable feeling. It may not have felt as safe to you lately, and disconnection may have been essential. Your body has changed, and it isn’t realistic to expect that you will feel the same in your body or in your sensations post-treatment.
Taking time to sit with your body is vital. Try the following practice, as often as you desire. The more you do it, the more it will inform you.
Close your eyes. Breathe deeply and slowly. Notice the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come up. Often the first thing you may notice is emotion welling up in your body. Allow it to be felt. Tears, sounds, shudders, may come. Your body has held on to a lot for you, and the first step in rebuilding trust and comfort is to allow your body to express what it feels.
As you continue to breath, gently begin caressing your body, noticing a few different things: How do I want to be touched? Light, feathery caresses? Firmer, massage-like strokes? Grounding squeezes? A combination of all (and more)? Your hands will begin to do what feels most natural, if you stay with your breath and pay attention to what you feel.
Notice the areas that are really enjoying touch. Notice how it feels to touch areas that are different. Do they want more time to stay untouched? Are they wanting to be explored? Do feelings come up as you caress them? Allow the feelings to be acknowledged and expressed.
Notice areas where you feel negative emotions while touching, especially parts of your body that feel or appear different after treatment. See if you can name the feeling. Sadness, anger, shame, fear? Take a nice deep breath and allow the feeling to be present while also connecting with the bravery and courage of that part of your body. Maybe there are areas of your body you can touch but don’t want another to yet touch. Allow yourself to have this. You get to protect your precious body and let it be the guide.
Most people have learned to disconnect from some of their needs when having intimacy with a partner. Taking ownership of what you need, what boundaries you might have, and naming your desires is a big step toward healing and having a positive experience with your partner. Taking the time to explore yourself first makes you the expert guide to your body’s pleasure and can guide an open and intimate communication about what sex can look like now. Your partner will feel more confident in giving you the pleasure you desire when they feel informed.
You may notice changes in libido, sensation, pathways to arousal, and physical comfort that can be surprising and unsettling. Some of these can be addressed with things like lubricant, new positions, and less of a focus on penetration (especially initially). Probably even more critical is taking the opportunity to slow down, making exploration of each other’s bodies key. Think of this time as an opportunity to relearn each other. Lay together, breathe, touch, and talk. Sex is a lot more than just a pathway to orgasm, and expanding your focus beyond penetration and orgasm will allow you to see that there are still so many ways you can enjoy receiving pleasure.
You may feel concerned about your partner’s experience as well. Perhaps you feel guilt, pressure, fears of disappointing them, or being disappointed. It is important to remember that they are most likely having all of those feelings too. An open and vulnerable conversation about the feelings can actually help build more intimacy.
One of the most important things you can both give yourself is permission to have the feelings you have. There are no wrong ways to feel in this experience. Often, time is the most important factor in healing and coming into confidence and comfort in your new body. Keeping the communication channels open and flowing as you go through this process will help you both feel heard, understood, and loved, even when the path feels frustrating.
It is never a bad idea to involve outside support. Many people wait until there is a problem to involve the support of a professional. I have noticed more and more that people come to me in a proactive manner, not waiting until things feel really hard. You may find the support of a Sex Coach/Sex Therapist, Pelvic Floor Therapist, or Medical Doctor important in your journey. Discomfort, pain, or anything that makes you feel more disconnected from your body and your partner is worth investigating. Often, these things resolve with some simple support or strategy that can be suggested to you.
I am a firm believer that there is no “normal” experience of intimacy, and the same goes for you now after treatment. “Normal” is when you feel affirmed, safe, and in touch with your body-WHATEVER that looks like for you.
Jackie received her B.A. in psychology from Stanford University in 1995 and her M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology in 1999. She completed her Certification as a Somatica Method Sex & Relationship Coach in 2016 and has advanced training in the method in Couples Coaching and BDSM, kink and fetish work. In 2022 Jackie became a Group Leader in the Somatica Method, helping to mentor new coaches as they complete their Advanced Trainings to become Certified Practitioners.
You can reach Jackie at jackiejacksondaley.com